sah-b's Diaryland Diary

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him

he doesn't live well unless i'm hurt. but i don't live well unless he's happy. yet he says i'm the one who causes him pain and stress... am i selfish? is he? we both are but why can't there be balance. I'm not that good, to let him hurt me and not get in my own cuts...
how does he do this? when i feel bad, he's the one who makes me feel better... unless he's the one that did it... sometimes even then... how? how can one person be my joy and my pain and my happiness, and now i'm waxing all poetic but i just dont' get it... how did i do this to myself?
how did i get myself stuck in the circle that i can't get out of because i don't want to, because i can't seem to make myself, because when it's good its so damn good? and when it hurts it hurts and it reminds me that i can love, i am capable, i'm not that selfish that i can't give myself for another, but now am i selfish because i can't let him go when he says he wants to go? but he's testing me, that's wat he does, he's sick and he's twisted like that but i can't fail the test because than he'll leave me and i can't have that, even though i kno he wants me to prove i love him, and that's his way and as twisted and sick and evil to my heart as it is i keep playing his game because there's nowhere else i want to be but in the middle of his chessboard...
and he's hurt me again, but i know i'll go back to him tomorrow... because how can i not? he has everything inside me... i'm a shell without him... humans dont' last like that...

4:19 a.m. - 2005-11-15

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